It’s got to the point where I mutter ‘damn it, Jim!’ under my breath on a regular basis. Yes – that’s right, I have found Star Trek: The Original Series and it has been a blast.
I’ve reached the end of Season Two with one more to go and there are movies afterwards with the same cast and one of them has a whale that they have to time travel with? To save the universe?
DEM CHARACTERS ‘THO
I love the seriousness that Shatner displays with every line. He could be talking to a man dressed in a lizard costume, enacting some illogical behaviour by lighting a pretend bomb, or speaking to a screen but boy, the man treats every line like a Shakespearian discourse.
(Needless to say, I am here for it.)
It is just … I appreciate it, okay? The sheer dedication! It’s got that zaniness of Batman 1960s but sort of toned down but very much not and oh it’s also in space. I adore it.
Also Spock. He’s the bee’s knees with a witheringly scathing eyebrow and the most logical brain. And I just like the dynamic of the crew.
Some of the plots are, for all the seeming goofiness of the show, quite deep. They gave me some vibes from that Doctor Who episode where the Doctor (the one with the eyebrows) is trying to persuade people not to commit genocide and gives a brilliant speech that I may have found to be incredibly moving.
There’s this underlying theme on humanity – what does it mean to be human? To have empathy? Compassion? To make the right choices?
And then you have the Tribble episode.
Fluffy art’n’craft balls that reproduce at an alarming rate. I just … this is the content that I subscribe to. Let’s be serious but also let me have low stakes, high comedy episodes scattered throughout a series.
And then, too, you have episodes where it’s all Twelve Angry Men and by that I mean they are literally on the bridge the entire time, speaking to the viewscreenthe entire episode. Again though – I’ll allow it, because I like the characters. Do I think that the writers might have been on a different plane of existence to the rest of us? Yes. Is it entertaining? Oh heck yeah.
I love how diverse it was for the time it aired. Occasionally I roll my eyes so hard I sprain something when ‘de sexism’ appears. (And boy does it appear.) (Damn it, Jim!)
The woman’s uniform must have felt a bit draughty, eh?
The food is colourful squares and I’m not sure to be envious or disgusted
McCoy has the perfect ‘exasperated with Spock’ face
The decorations! The set design! My gosh! I love it. I feel like some set designers were passionate geometry enthusiasts and others looked at every garish colour and said yes, I accept
And lastly – the Original Series has a mere paltry three seasons. BUT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO STAR TREK. I’m taking it one episode at a time but just searching Netflix for ‘Star Trek’ brings up so many results with so many seasons. So many. So many.
Let me regale you with the adventures I’ve somewhat recently taken between the pages of books, thundering away at a keyboard, and – memorably – in a cinema seat.
YOUNG ADULT NOVELS AND I STILL DON’T GET ALONG
I DNF’d A Curse So Dark and Lonely – it wasn’t my cup of tea, and … I forgot that YA novels and I aren’t always the best of friends.
ALSO I HAVE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT IT but they might have to hold until another time.
LORD OF THE RINGS – I’M READING THEM!LE GASP!
Though I have watched the movies, I hadn’t read the books. But now? I’ve read the first two and have almost finished with the last. Reader, I cried.
Just … Sam … Frodo … the bittersweet scent of change that permeates everything … the lore … the world … the friendships … ugh!
Also, I love the Ents and WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ENT WIVES I ASK YOU. WHAT. HAPPENED?!!!!!
TOLKIEN – THE MOVIE
I watched it. I thought it was pretty okay. I was confused for a bit because there was a man named Chris and I only worked out that it wasn’t C S Lewis near the very end of the movie. The actor did a fabulous job as Tolkien and though I enjoyed it, I thought that it lacked a wee bit of substance.
Like a cream tea without the tea. Scones and jam and cream without the jam. A body without bones. That sort of thing.
ENDGAME – MY EYES AND HEART ACHED
I went twice. My heart hurt. My eyes hurt. My soul ached at some points. And though part of me questions the treatment of one of the characters (Thor, FYI), I am – as a whole – satisfied with the ending of an era that has had a part in shaping my life.
ROMANOVS – THANKS, I HATE IT.
I’ve been reading a book about the Romanovs – and though it’s wonderfully written and fascinating – I’m just about ready to throw in the towel. (Trowel?) I feel very done with them. I had hopes for one Tsar – that he might be a decent fellow. But then … UGH. A ranting entry in my diary, and (if I recall correctly) a rambling conversation with my sister (or was it a friend? I’ve blocked the memory. It was a terrible time.) later and I feel quite finished.
History is wonderful but I’ve only so many hours and I’ve got a hundred other books which are all clamouring to be read. I think I might give it a pass.
Also – my bookmark got knocked out and I can’t bring myself to go through it all again and find my place.
^VERY valid reason. Also an actual reason.
My next factual book will probably be On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society which looks incredibly interesting.
WRITING: FREELANCE, THE LARGE PROJECT, AND OTHER THINGS
I was doing some freelance on fiverr – it was an adventure, for certain. I’ve found that there isn’t enough time to complete freelance work AND to write my own projects. Honestly?
Procrastination + deadlines = sleep deprivation.
So I’ve called it a day on most freelance work.
Here’s something that I’ve recently discovered though: word sprints. Do them. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, knowing that there is someone else writing and comparing word counts etc is enormously invigorating and words are always added. It’s great. Find someone who writes. And do it.
So far, I’m just over half way through IF – a project that was supposed to be an action packed mash of a Jackie Chan + John Wayne sort of adventure.
… it hasn’t ended up quite that way. I’ve ended up with a man bogged down in paperwork who then hurtles off on an accidental and reluctant adventure.
And then there’s Operation: Unicorn Poop which is tickling my funny bone.
BOOKS I WANT TO READ IN THE FUTURE
I want to reread my Georgette Heyers. Desperately. I’ve got a book on the Spanish Inquisition which I wasn’t expecting.
… but very much would like to read.
And then there’s The Poison Maiden by Paul Doherty which looks amazing and I want to read it straight away and My Plain Jane which I SWORE I wouldn’t read but … GUESS WHAT ARRIVED TODAY IN THE POST?
Also: a thousand other books but *sigh* life.
ALSO: expect a blog post about the MOST excellent ‘The Emotional Craft of Fiction’ and ‘Steal Like An Artist’ and ‘Keep Going’ because those three books are the bomb*.
I haven’t yet saved the world or slain a dragon, but that’s alright. We can’t all be heroes but we can be kind to each other. It’s more achievable.
So. I’ve been going to the cinema a lot recently. I’ll spare you my rant on the insane cost of popcorn (Seriously. It costs about an arm, a leg, and an ovary AND I’M NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING [much]) and my opinions on how IMAX is amazing and AV-whatever-the-other-letter-is is a WASTE OF SPACE, TIME, AND MONEY, and cut to the chase – I’ve been watching movies, and I’ve decided to write about them.
Just for this post, mind.
WAHOO!! FEMALES CAN STEAL TOO!!!
Replace this cast with males and this movie would have been as interesting as waterlogged toast; the plot is a touch too simplistic and needed just a little bit more conflict. But because it had an all-female cast!! it works.
And it looks good doing it. (Them dresses though!)
Now, I’m not going to go into in-detailed rants about Hollywood and female leads and the Bechdel Test etc etc etc because quite frankly, my stomach is pleasantly full of root beer, fries, and a teen burger (and that’s it’s name and it’s not made from the body of a teenager. geez, people) and I’m tired and when I was writing essays for my English exam, my Dad looked at my work and said ‘yes, daughter, I think you’re more suited to writing fiction’ (translated: DON’T TRY TO WRITE LOGICALLY. I THINK THE LOGIC SKIPPED YOU AND WENT TO YOUR BROTHERS) (I’m paraphrasing) and so … I’m not going to do that here.
But this movie did pass the Bechdel Test. It was enjoyable, and it made me think: wow, is this what it’s like to be a boy and see Ocean’s 11 and have ROLE MODEL THIEVES OF THE SAME GENDER AS YOU?!!!
It’s a nice feeling. But don’t worry, I’m not going to become a thief. I tried to do an escape room bank robbery once and it did not go well; they actually radioed in and asked if I needed a hint.
three and a half stars. out of five. not ten. the plot isn’t that simplistic.
WHAAAATTT DINOSAURS ARE ENDANGERED? AGAIN?!!
[Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom]
‘The movie was good,’ I told my friend. ‘But it needed more carnage.’ (I told her this four times. She’s a patient friend.)
(Actually, it was more like six.)
I liked Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom; it has an interesting concept and looks really good. There’s some oh no! the dinosaur is going to kill us fo sure better run OH MY GOSH WE’REGONNADIE moments, your run-of-the-mill villain, a moral question that is solved in an interesting way (you’ll know the moment and REALLY. THINK OF THE DEATH TOLL HUH?!! WHY DON’T YOU!!!! ugh) and some fun humour amusement moments. (What, I totally didn’t consult my favourite dinosaur THE THESAURUS.)
But … there were moments in which I just wished the movie would hurry up. Maybe I’m getting old, or am used to skimming tedious parts when reading, but sometimes movies just need to get a move on already.
So, I liked the movie because: Chris Pratt, dinosaurs, and umm dinosaurs. BUT IT NEEDED MORE CARNAGE.
probably three and three-quarter stars out of maybe five because it needed more carnage (did i mention that?) or maybe it needs more stars. i don’t know how i feel. i am having a crisis right now.
PETER PAN: THE SEQUEL. WITH SWEARING
Remember when I said that sometimes movies need to get a move on already? This movie snatches your attention, taunts you with it, and then legs it. It doesn’t give it back until the credits finish.
I kid you not.
This movie is fun. There’s not a dull moment and the cast are having a blast, and so therefore do we.
I laughed a heck of a lot, and not once – not ONCE – did I think: how much longer is there?!
It’s refreshing – there’s so many movies where EVERYTHING IS AT STAKE AND THE ONE I LOVE IS IN DANGER or just thinks I’m the worst AND DEATH IS HURLING DOWN LIKE HAIL STONES IF HAIL STONES WERE MADE OF CGI AND FAKE BLOOD! But this? It’s literally about a group of friends playing tag.
The world isn’t threatened, there aren’t dead bodies here, there, and everywhere, no CGI monsters … it’s not perfect, but it’s like a nice glass of cool root beer. Refreshing.
Or whatever your beverage of choice is, it’s that. (Unless your beverage of choice is green tea. And then, I’m sorry – but no. Just no.)
(but bear in mind, this movie is rated ‘R’ and there are definitely reasons for that rating.)
three point eight six three out of five
(Also, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom was a good movie, butitneededmorecarnage.)
… no one is going to hire me to write film reviews, are they?
I love so-bad-they’re-good movies. It’s fun to yell at the screen, give a loud, dramatic gasp when oh my gosh I never saw THAT coming! or rant at the characters for making stupid decisions.
I enjoy it. With a bad movie, there is no pretence. It’s just plain old bad. It’s like a form of catharsis. But then, a friend of mine introduced me to the The Test. And, in The Test, I met my match.
The Test is the story of Nathan who puts his fiancée, Julia, through a series of increasingly bizarre ‘stress tests’ in order to see if she is worthy of marrying him.
There are five steps that a movie viewer goes through when watching The Test. I am here to guide you through them. You are welcome.
When you start watching The Test the feeling is akin to that of being slapped in the face with a decaying fish. You look at a scene with disbelief:
He’s not actually hired an actor to test her fidelity, has he? you ask in horror. He’s not peering through the glass of the restaurant to spy on her responses, is he?
Yes. Yes, he is.
This second stage is the worst, and I’d suggest getting over it as quickly as possibly. Nathan pretends he’s been fired from his job due to accusations of insider trading.
“You’re lying to her now, to see if she’ll believe you when you do tell the truth to her about not being dishonest?”
(Logic. It’s a beautiful thing.)
Yes, he does arrange for his fiancée to be fake fired from her job (If she is completely desolate will she still love him?). But you know what? To quote the movie:
It’s not crazy. It’s love.
For reasons only apparent to the script-writer, Julia still believes his innocence and is willing to be homeless on a Hawaiian beach with him.
BUT DON’T WORRY! He ‘gets his job back’ and it doesn’t matter about her job (which she still has, but doesn’t know she has) because “she’ll be his wife”.
Despite the fact that we’ve no evidence as to why they love each other (and therefore, no evidence for why they shouldn’t love each other) Julia is prepared to stand by him. BUT THEN TWIST. SHE HAS HER JOB BACK!!
Honestly, that Nathan! Such a catch!
Okay. So he’s a bit … emotionally unintelligent and a touch dim and he is definitely narcissistic, you say. But, like, it can’t get any worse. Surely.
By this time, Nathan is enjoying the experiment. ‘Would she die for me?’ he asks with pathos that surely belong to Hamlet.
“I’d take the bullet for her.”
“That’s very chivalrous.”
“I’m just that kind of guy.”
It’s important to know if your partner would die for you. Dreadfully so. In fact, I’m almost certain that it is probably included in any number of pre-marriage counselling sessions.
Nathan knows this. But pre-marriage counselling sessions are beneath him. He is so dedicated to the cause of proving Julia is worthy of him that he arranges a home invasion.
What a guy!
It takes some nagging but Julia declares:
“Okay. I’m willing to die for you. Now will you just DROP IT!!!”
For some reason, Nathan doesn’t feel that her response is good enough, and that she wouldn’t be prepared to die for him.
The first time, I watched this movie the whole way through. The second time, I had to stop the movie. It was too hard to go on. Life had lost its meaning. I would have cheerfully stomped barefoot in a room full of Legos or – as one review puts it ‘licked a brick wall’ rather than to have continued.
But one must push through.
… which Nathan does too! He thinks that Julia’s ‘B-‘ is a bit rubbish. He won’t settle for anything less than an ‘A’. He needs one.
So he comes up with the genius plan of faking a coma.
It’s not crazy. It’s love.
Now, I did have some screenshots to share with you. But my computer decided to make them all grey and as:
I refuse to spend money on this movie for the third time
Nope. It’s just that. I. Refuse.
Please imagine Nathan on a hospital bed, faking a coma whilst his hysterical fiancée is mourning him for reasons that completely escape me at this point.
And then of course, he ‘wakes up’ (after his buddy threatens ‘I’m pulling the plug. No pun intended’ thereby ruining all puns for me forever more. You monster) and pretends to have amnesia.
Don’t worry! He ‘remembers’ Julia – just in the nick of time too! It’s a scene with emotion – similar to one from a Shakespearean play or a Nicholas Spark movie, in that all three have people saying lines.
At this point, you are beyond outrage. Beyond everything. This movie exists and you are watching it. Watching as Julia discovers Nathan’s ‘stress tests’ on her wedding day. Watching as she calls him out. Watching as Nathan does the adult thing and blames his friend. Watching as … as… Watching as the truly spectacularly hysterical and completely beyond any rhyme or reason ending happens.
In the end, we have no idea why Nathan and Julia are in love. They tell us they are. The movie says they are. And, so they must be.
This movie transcends all such things as ‘acting’ ‘comedy’ ‘writing’ ‘cinematography’ ‘production’ ‘screenplay’ ‘character growth’ ‘chemistry between actors’ ‘editing’ etc. One must look past these mortal coils and peer far, far, far, far, far beyond them – to where the movie’s heart lies.
And at its heart – deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down – are the ambiguous messages of trust, fidelity, commitment and above all, love.
It’s true: the movie handles them with the skill of a dizzy toddler performing open heart surgery, the gentle subtlety of a sledgehammer, and the clarity of muddied stream brimming with dead rodents … but I think, to finish this guide to The Test, I will leave you with a quote from Nathan, that is in no way, shape, or form, an excuse for doing terrible things to the person you love:
Love makes you crazy
(As will this movie if you attempt to watch it and review it. You will regret everything. EVERYTHING!!!!) (ALSO I’M SORRY BUT THIS MOVIE RUINS PUNS!!! HOW CAN A MOVIE RUIN PUNS YOU ASK?!! IT SIMPLY DOES AND I’M BOGGLED) (Also, Nathan’s friends keep on saying how brilliant these tests are. like they’ve discovered the secret to the fountain of douche or something. WELL GUESS WHAT THESE TESTS ARE NOT BRILLIANT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT BRILLIANT MEANS. CLEARLY.)
I haven’t posted for a while. BUT I HAVE MY REASONS. In the last few weeks of non-posting, I’ve:
gone to London
seen Wonder Woman
DISCHUFFED WITH WORK
I’m using the word ‘dischuffed’ from now on. Recently at work, a darling Joanna Lumley lookalike used it, and I’m in love. That is all. (And I’m not dischuffed with work; I just wanted to fit the word in somewhere.)
As September looms and an uncertain certain future shines, not on the horizon, but straight into my eyes. (IT BURNS!) I’ve been taking as many shifts as work can throw at me. Consequently, it’s hard to find time to do things. When you get home from a long shift, you don’t think:
MY GOSH LET ME HAVE MOOOOORE THINGS TO DO RIGHT THIS MOMENT!
You want to wind down. You want to relax. You don’t want to plunge into other things. AND THAT’S MY EXCUSE. And I’m sticking to it.
I GO TO LONDON. BECOME METROPOLITAN. TRY TO BREAK INTO M&S.
I travelled down to London via train. I’ve learned a lot about trains since my first solo trip on one – apparently, it’s not enough to get the right platform, you also have to wait for the right train. All trains arriving at platform 6A, for example will not go to the same place. This was quite the surprise.
In London, I …
worked out how to navigate the Underground (occasionally by accident)
found Grosvenor Square (definitely by accident)
did not locate any Heyer heroes (a grave disappointment)
was mistaken as a businesswoman by a banker #dubiouslyproud
Also in London, I strode jauntily down Oxford St, a spring to my step. I was a queen in a beautiful flowy dress. I was in London. Red buses were going past. Life was good. I strode up to the steps to M&S (opposite Selfridges? Or was it …?!). I reached the doors. I attempted to open the doors. The doors did not open.
I forgot that there are such things as opening times and slunk off like a shamed hedgehog to the side doors which were suddenly open because I … had arrived at 8:59 and … and then it was 9:00am and … *heavy sigh*
But as a side note, the M&S staff are lovely and I wanted to hug them and squeeze their London out of their cheeks.
THE WONDER OF THE WOMAN
One day, I was fed up with scrimping and saving. So, in rebellion against saving sprees, work, and denying myself books (FOUR WEEKS WITHOUT BUYING A BOOK. THIS CANNOT KEEP UP MUCH LONGER!!), I went to watch Wonder Woman. It’s got some epic moments. Some hilarious moments. Some touching moments. I enjoyed it.
BUT I HAVE AN OBJECTION.
It was terrible.
Honestly, I like facial hair. If I was a man, I’d have a glorious, glorious beard. However … the mustache? No. No. A thousand times, no.
Kill it with fire.
Today is my day off. This is a good thing, for sometimes a bone deep tiredness takes hold; the sort that almost makes you finish a tannoy at work with: