books

a most irregular prophecy – it’s out

I was therefore forced to draw the only possible conclusion; I was going to be heinously murdered.

A MOST IRREGULAR PROPHECY

It started as a short story and it’s now a full-length book with a dope front cover and words and everything. If you fancy a bit of a barmy read with a Victorian, a reluctant Scribe, Unicorn-type-creatures, Portals, Propaganda, and a touch of romance? It’s here! It’s actually here!

It’s ready in paperback and ebook. (I’m particularly proud of the back cover. It has pamphlets and a hot air balloon.) Ahem. Anyway. This is a book. A book I wrote.

My feelings are the below – from this post:

But oh – if it’s a tiny bit beautiful, if it’s a little funny, if it’s moving, if it’s a wondrous adventure, if it makes you see a glimmer of something you can’t quite name, or startles you into a laugh; if it’s something that I can be pleased with then, I would like to share it with you.

this book falls into ‘startles you into a laugh’ i think. whether that be good or bad, i’m not sure

If it’s not your cup of tea – that’s perfectly fine. If you read it and have a strong opinion (positive or negative! either is alright!) do scribble a review. Or don’t. This is a free country.

Either way, please join me in being excessively gleeful that – after six years of silence – a full-length book has finally been completed. I’m so very glad to share this one with you.

books

a most irregular prophecy – front cover reveal also, unicorn poop

I’d like to announce the fact that I had an idea about unicorn manure and I ran with it. And by that I mean, I wrote a book about it. An entire book.

Behold! Here it is in all of its glory:

isn’t it DIGNIFIED?

It went like this:

MY LOGIC:

  • I like Portal fiction
  • What if the person abducted had a very mediocre destiny? That would be funny, right? Right?
  • What if … they were abducted to shovel unicorn manure? What if it’s toxic to everyone but Humans?
  • *gasp* Why, Mr Spock – I think we’re onto something

I wrote a short story about the idea (‘one moment I was washing my car, the next I was neck-deep in manure‘ reads a highly attractive line), chuckled to myself, and then put it to the side, confident that I was quite hilarious and a genius. (These are dubious facts.)

Then, a few years later, I read the short story again, chuckled to myself and thought I was quite hilarious and definitely a genius. (Again, the facts are dubious.) But I went one step further – I decided that I’d write a book on that single premise.

And so I did.

That ‘and so I did’ sounds so … simple and laid back. It was not that simple. It was not that laid back. I had to seriously consider the implications of unicorn manure. I dedicated so much time to it. (Put that epitaph on my gravestone thank you very much. Follow it up with ‘a life well lived’.)

The heroine transformed from a 21st century girl with pop culture references and poop puns into a determined Victorian woman with flame-red hair and no poop puns.

And then, of course, in the lead romantic role is Mr Sorrow who isn’t the coolest dude to ever dude … but … I like him. He’s dope. He’s cool. He’s also an alien.

It also has:

  • toxic unicorn waste (… you’re welcome, humanity)
  • a slow burn romance
  • unicorns but also not quite unicorns
  • furniture flying around (it’s ONE scene but … you know, it’s freakin’ Pulitzer winning. Ah-hem. The way I describe a table in flight? Well it could never be accused of being poetry but, well. It could never be accused of being poetry.)
  • everything going wrong
  • a Victorian heroine caught up in the middle of everything, determined to set everything to rights and then have a cup of tea like a boss.

It’s called A Most Irregular Prophecy. It’s not just about unicorn poop anymore. (Wow. What a tagline.)

“I didn’t have anything left to do except to die. I would do it nobly. With dignity. Preferably after a moving speech.”

A monstrous Natterdash is waking, the dread Wizard Tig is stalking Planet Ora, and a new Prophecy regarding their destruction has been announced. In the central role? A Human abducted from 21st century England and cast as The Foretold One.

Long time captive and full time Suffragist, Victorian Primula ‘Vi’ Ravensbourne is dragged into the mix to act as translator and Thrawk keeper. With unseen enemies, reluctant Foretold Ones, and a gift that is Most Unexpected, she’ll soon find that all is not as it seems.

Vi may want the populace to have a Voice, but one must be alive in order to speak. Can Vi help fulfil a Prophecy that is rapidly running off track, and off script?

It’s coming your way the 30th of July. That’s this year. 2021. Just so you know. (I once stayed up for a book release only to find that I’d got the wrong year.)

You can pre-order it on Kindle here and add it to your Goodreads to read list here.

ness talks movies

f9: a review

it’s odd that john cena isn’t on this poster when he’s supposedly in a pretty big role

Okay. Okay. Here’s a secret: I haven’t watched all of the Fast and Furious franchise. I’ve watched a handful (is there one where they jump a car from one skyscraper to the next?) and teared up to See You Again with the best of them.

(I didn’t watch the movie but that song, man!)

So in short: I’ve watched Hobbs & Shaw, I know the franchise is about (thumps chest) family and lots and lots of cars.

These are my credentials. They are extensive. Let’s proceed with the review. There’s some spoilers. I apologise.

GLEE

This movie. My gosh. This movie. I sat through this movie with growing glee and increasing enjoyment.

I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. I jabbed my friend and nudged my brother. This was the good stuff. This was the best stuff. This was Shakespeare on the silver screen.

This was movie magic.

‘Your father has a question for you,’ says Lenny. Letty. The Woman Who Stares.

Vin ‘No Sleeves’ Diesel: ‘Would you like to say grace?’

The child: ‘I don’t know how.’

Vin ‘No Sleeves’ Diesel: ‘Just say what’s in your heart.’

I glanced over at my brother. He had his face buried in his hands.

JOHN CENA

This was *supposed* to have John Cena. Strangely enough, the camera often panned to where I assume John Cena should have been. It was empty. Guns moved and were fired with no one about. Vin Diesel had dialogue with mid-air, it was very confusing.

for example – why is vin diesel diving off a roof top? who is he attacking? we can’t tell. no one is there.

I’d nudge my brother, puzzled. ‘Can you see John Cena?’ I’d ask. ‘He’s supposed to be in this.’

We are great wits.

THE PLOT

A lot was happening. In the past, we’re finding out what happened to Vin Diesel’s dad and a tragic family separation. In the present, they’re going to send a car into space to save the world from a future under the thumb of a dictator’s evil son.

Hijinks ensue.

Lenny/Letty (that’s Vin Diesel’s love interest) thrives on this sort of thing. Not for her, a barn in the countryside. No. She needs havoc. Calm in the midst of the chaos.

This is her ideal Tuesday. Forget lazy lie-ins, she needs excitement! Explosions! Magnets that can move a car! One wonders what she’ll need next? I assume the next step will be time-travel. They should bring dinosaurs into the next movie!

Where was I? Yes. The plot. There is one. But mainly, at its heart, this is a heart-warming movie about family. And staring. And explosions. And physics. And surviving unsurvivable situations. (Literally. A tank-car drops onto one of the characters. They survive. It’s amazing.)

THE STARING

Everyone stares very deeply into each other’s soul and it’s both incredibly uncomfortable and also wonderful and I live for it.

the movie – you’re welcome

EVERYTHING ELSE

Movies like Sharknado are my jam. There’s no pretension to it. It’s awful and yet, it’s also hilarious. This movie? My gosh, it had a far bigger budget. It has a … well, it had a script. There’s a whole discussion re: Which Star Wars Character Are You? (I’m Jar Jar Binks by the way. DAMN IT BUZZFEED!)

Anyway. I digress. This movie was wild. There were so many twists! He’s caught? NO, HE ISN’T! He’s dead? NO, HE ISN’T! He’s the villain? NO, HE ISN’T! OR IS HE??????? IS THIS MOVIE BAD GOOD OR BAD BAD OR GOOD GOOD? WE DON’T KNOW!!! (These are the questions that haunt humanity.)

There are many unsleeved men, I feel as though men are allergic to shirt sleeves. One fears for the fashion industry.

One of the final moments happened. As they generally do. Vin Diesel takes his son to the racing track where his dad died – to the very spot.

‘Everything I learned about life,’ grunts he. ‘I learned right here.’

… I’m not entirely sure why I found that humorous.

I’m going back to watch the previous instalments of this franchise. What a hoot. I’m going to stare intently at my family instead of communicating verbally. It’s going to be dope. I’m sure there will be no misunderstandings.

ness rambles, ness talks about life

things, they be happening

I don’t know if this is a me thing or if this is an everybody thing but- say it’s a Saturday and I’ve got a friend coming at 2 o’clock – can I be productive in the hours leading up to the Fateful Meeting? Do I get things done? Do I fill every minute with 60 seconds worth of distance run? Do I not only seize the day, but seize the hour! The minute! The second!

Ha.

Hahahahahahaha.

No. The answer is no. I browse the internet. I surf. I dawdle. I while away the hours, my brain consumed with the upcoming time when Things Will Happen. I am incapacitated. I am held in stasis. I cannot function.

In short, I have Something Happening that day and nothing else will happen until that something has happened.

I suppose the answer is a change of mindset. Being aware of the problem is surely half way to solving it, isn’t it? Anyway, I digress:

On the subject of Things Happening …

THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED:

  • I walked some of Hadrian’s Wall. It was a perfect hoot. I am now a weathered outdoorswoman.
Artist’s impression of me, weathered outdoorswoman / Photo by Sebastian Voortman on Pexels.com
  • I slept in a tent for three nights and let me tell you, I was a Princess and the entire ground was made of peas that first night. I tossed and turned and was as anxious as a YA heroine caught up in love triangle.
  • Nebuchadnezzar AKA the guppy whose name I could never spell – is dead. Deceased. No more. It’s pretty horrible and I’m quite upset. Also: I can’t find his body.
  • I have the proofs for a Most Irregular Prophecy and have held my book child in my hands.

THINGS HAPPENING SOON:

  • A Suffragist Abroad AKA A Most Irregular Prophecy is having a cover reveal and POSSIBLY A RELEASE DATE??? (I AM EXCITEMENT) (I always have to double check that spelling as I live in horror and dread of accidentally writing: ‘I am excrement’)
  • Our Intrepid Heroine is having a facelift AKA a cover reveal.
i just like this gif
  • I’m going through some personal life changes which are … exciting and yet also terrifying.
  • An existential post-quarter-life-crisis will probably loom. (Pop that in your diary.)
  • But mainly: bookish things should be happening
  • I’ve ordered a new pair of reading glasses

happy reading!

ness rambles, ness talks about life

beam me up, scotty, energize, and punch it: star trek

It’s got to the point where I mutter ‘damn it, Jim!’ under my breath on a regular basis. Yes – that’s right, I have found Star Trek: The Original Series and it has been a blast.

I’ve reached the end of Season Two with one more to go and there are movies afterwards with the same cast and one of them has a whale that they have to time travel with? To save the universe?

i’m here for it

DEM CHARACTERS ‘THO

I love the seriousness that Shatner displays with every line. He could be talking to a man dressed in a lizard costume, enacting some illogical behaviour by lighting a pretend bomb, or speaking to a screen but boy, the man treats every line like a Shakespearian discourse.

(Needless to say, I am here for it.)

It is just … I appreciate it, okay? The sheer dedication! It’s got that zaniness of Batman 1960s but sort of toned down but very much not and oh it’s also in space. I adore it.

Also Spock. He’s the bee’s knees with a witheringly scathing eyebrow and the most logical brain. And I just like the dynamic of the crew.

THE STORYLINES

Some of the plots are, for all the seeming goofiness of the show, quite deep. They gave me some vibes from that Doctor Who episode where the Doctor (the one with the eyebrows) is trying to persuade people not to commit genocide and gives a brilliant speech that I may have found to be incredibly moving.

There’s this underlying theme on humanity – what does it mean to be human? To have empathy? Compassion? To make the right choices?

And then you have the Tribble episode.

what a unit of an episode

Fluffy art’n’craft balls that reproduce at an alarming rate. I just … this is the content that I subscribe to. Let’s be serious but also let me have low stakes, high comedy episodes scattered throughout a series.

And then, too, you have episodes where it’s all Twelve Angry Men and by that I mean they are literally on the bridge the entire time, speaking to the viewscreen the entire episode. Again though – I’ll allow it, because I like the characters. Do I think that the writers might have been on a different plane of existence to the rest of us? Yes. Is it entertaining? Oh heck yeah.

I love how diverse it was for the time it aired. Occasionally I roll my eyes so hard I sprain something when ‘de sexism’ appears. (And boy does it appear.) (Damn it, Jim!)

MISC

  • The woman’s uniform must have felt a bit draughty, eh?
  • The food is colourful squares and I’m not sure to be envious or disgusted
  • McCoy has the perfect ‘exasperated with Spock’ face
  • The decorations! The set design! My gosh! I love it. I feel like some set designers were passionate geometry enthusiasts and others looked at every garish colour and said yes, I accept

And lastly – the Original Series has a mere paltry three seasons. BUT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO STAR TREK. I’m taking it one episode at a time but just searching Netflix for ‘Star Trek’ brings up so many results with so many seasons. So many. So many.

damn it, jim!