ness talks movies – of words & books

f9: a review

July 4, 2021July 20, 2021 nesskingsley

it’s odd that john cena isn’t on this poster when he’s supposedly in a pretty big role

Okay. Okay. Here’s a secret: I haven’t watched all of the Fast and Furious franchise. I’ve watched a handful (is there one where they jump a car from one skyscraper to the next?) and teared up to See You Again with the best of them.

(I didn’t watch the movie but that song, man!)

So in short: I’ve watched Hobbs & Shaw, I know the franchise is about (thumps chest) family and lots and lots of cars.

These are my credentials. They are extensive. Let’s proceed with the review. There’s some spoilers. I apologise.

GLEE

This movie. My gosh. This movie. I sat through this movie with growing glee and increasing enjoyment.

I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. I jabbed my friend and nudged my brother. This was the good stuff. This was the best stuff. This was Shakespeare on the silver screen.

This was movie magic.

‘Your father has a question for you,’ says Lenny. Letty. The Woman Who Stares.
Vin ‘No Sleeves’ Diesel: ‘Would you like to say grace?’
The child: ‘I don’t know how.’
Vin ‘No Sleeves’ Diesel: ‘Just say what’s in your heart.’

I glanced over at my brother. He had his face buried in his hands.

JOHN CENA

This was *supposed* to have John Cena. Strangely enough, the camera often panned to where I assume John Cena should have been. It was empty. Guns moved and were fired with no one about. Vin Diesel had dialogue with mid-air, it was very confusing.

for example – why is vin diesel diving off a roof top? who is he attacking? we can’t tell. no one is there.

I’d nudge my brother, puzzled. ‘Can you see John Cena?’ I’d ask. ‘He’s supposed to be in this.’

We are great wits.

THE PLOT

A lot was happening. In the past, we’re finding out what happened to Vin Diesel’s dad and a tragic family separation. In the present, they’re going to send a car into space to save the world from a future under the thumb of a dictator’s evil son.

Hijinks ensue.

Lenny/Letty (that’s Vin Diesel’s love interest) thrives on this sort of thing. Not for her, a barn in the countryside. No. She needs havoc. Calm in the midst of the chaos.

This is her ideal Tuesday. Forget lazy lie-ins, she needs excitement! Explosions! Magnets that can move a car! One wonders what she’ll need next? I assume the next step will be time-travel. They should bring dinosaurs into the next movie!

Where was I? Yes. The plot. There is one. But mainly, at its heart, this is a heart-warming movie about family. And staring. And explosions. And physics. And surviving unsurvivable situations. (Literally. A tank-car drops onto one of the characters. They survive. It’s amazing.)

THE STARING

Everyone stares very deeply into each other’s soul and it’s both incredibly uncomfortable and also wonderful and I live for it.

EVERYTHING ELSE

Movies like Sharknado are my jam. There’s no pretension to it. It’s awful and yet, it’s also hilarious. This movie? My gosh, it had a far bigger budget. It has a … well, it had a script. There’s a whole discussion re: Which Star Wars Character Are You? (I’m Jar Jar Binks by the way. DAMN IT BUZZFEED!)

Anyway. I digress. This movie was wild. There were so many twists! He’s caught? NO, HE ISN’T! He’s dead? NO, HE ISN’T! He’s the villain? NO, HE ISN’T! OR IS HE??????? IS THIS MOVIE BAD GOOD OR BAD BAD OR GOOD GOOD? WE DON’T KNOW!!! (These are the questions that haunt humanity.)

There are many unsleeved men, I feel as though men are allergic to shirt sleeves. One fears for the fashion industry.

One of the final moments happened. As they generally do. Vin Diesel takes his son to the racing track where his dad died – to the very spot.

‘Everything I learned about life,’ grunts he. ‘I learned right here.’

… I’m not entirely sure why I found that humorous.

I’m going back to watch the previous instalments of this franchise. What a hoot. I’m going to stare intently at my family instead of communicating verbally. It’s going to be dope. I’m sure there will be no misunderstandings.

ness talks movies

EMMA.

February 22, 2020July 20, 2021 nesskingsley

A new adaption of Jane Austen’s Emma has come out. Last weekend, I saw it with my sister and eldest niece. (What a blast we had!) Yesterday evening, my best friend came with me to watch it. (Sitting in the comfiest chairs with white chocolate, drinks and warm popcorn … it was THERAPY.) I am fighting the impulse to see it a third time.

Let me tell you why. And – as a fair warning – this post will be written in the style of what I like to call ‘INCOHERENT RAMBLINGS OF A STARRY-EYED NESS’. You have been warned.

THE VISUALS

Everything is so pretty and also so very tongue-in-cheek. The font at the beginning of the film – even the font is pretty – and the PASTELS! EVERYTHING IS IN PASTELS!!

Emma’s outfits … they are divine (except for the ones with that random frill/collar around her neck. Like, did she forgot to put the other part of the dress on?)

Though, Mr. Knightley and Mr. Churchill and Emma wear yellow coats at one point or other in the film and I haven’t worked out if this is some sort of subliminal messaging trying to get me to like the colour of gone-off sunshine, but kudos for trying.

I’m not sure how period-correct the costumes were, but my gosh, it felt as if they were; I could easily imagine a Heyer heroine wearing some of them

THE MUSIC

I’ve listened to the entire soundtrack three or four times through in the past two days. Yes, this may be the reflection on the shortness of the soundtrack or it’s a reflection on how perfect it is. It’s so frothy and delightful and is sparkling lemonade in your ear. And then BLAM! a folk song hits or an old hymn is sung with gusto by a hundred throats (my mind filled in ‘throats’ with ‘goats’ and … yes. You’re welcome for that visual.)

Clearly it’s doing something to me; I’ve cleaned, am wearing a skirt, have folded the contents of two drawers (not brilliantly but still), and delicately nibbled on oat biscuits and sipped herbal tea.

I’m not sure what this means.

THE CHARACTERS

Facial expressions – they are done so well. Mr. Elton can reduce you to hysterics – HYS-TER-ICS. The glances are a second script in themselves.

Anya Taylor-Joy does a fantastic job as Emma; you can see her character growth and the realization about Mr. Knightley through her eyes. Harriet Smith is a BLAST. Mr. Knightley … *le sigh* I thought he was brilliant. Also, there’s this scene between him and Frank Churchill that is played so awkwardly. It was perfection. Miss Bates is BRILLIANT and whoever thought of casting Miranda as in that needs a medal. NO. THREE MEDALS. I could watch an entire film of Miss Bates describing Jane’s adventures to Emma.

Mr. Wodehouse kills me. (I am Being Dramatic, I know.) He steals every scene. Every. Scene. If there was a T.V show with just he and Miss. Bates, I’d watch it. I’d watch it all.

I adore the casting – everyone looked interesting and not as if they’d just come off a run way.

Also, Mr. Knightley’s walk in the very beginning reminded me of the Beast’s when he’s coming down the staircase in the live adaption of Beauty and the Beast.

Robert Martin made me want to giggle in every scene he was in; I’m not entirely sure why but I thought he was hilarious.

THE ROMANCE & SUNDRY

THE ROMANCE WAS BEAUTIFUL! And the grand confession scene? I shan’t spoil it for you but it is quite something. It reminds you of the ending bit of The Grand Sophy with the ducklings.

[Side note – THE POINTED COLLARS!!! I get why some Heyer characters can barely turn their head because their collars are so stiffly starched! Poor men. How they must have suffered.]

EMMA. is almost farcical, definitely beautifully shot, scripted and scored, and on the whole a sheer delight to indulge in. I foresee many a rewatch.

Let’s recap:

I adored this film (you may have guessed) and while it may not be everyone’s cup of tea – it’s certainly mine. If there are flaws, I am currently blind to them.
There is a possibility that I have may overworn such adjectives as ‘perfect’ and ‘brilliant’ in this post. I make no apologies.
Autumn de Wilde needs to adapt a few Georgette Heyer novels – it would be magic, I swear!

ness talks movies

the test: a cinematic masterpiece

February 5, 2018July 20, 2021 nesskingsley

I love so-bad-they’re-good movies. It’s fun to yell at the screen, give a loud, dramatic gasp when oh my gosh I never saw THAT coming! or rant at the characters for making stupid decisions.

I enjoy it. With a bad movie, there is no pretence. It’s just plain old bad. It’s like a form of catharsis. But then, a friend of mine introduced me to the The Test. And, in The Test, I met my match.

The Test is the story of Nathan who puts his fiancée, Julia, through a series of increasingly bizarre ‘stress tests’ in order to see if she is worthy of marrying him.

There are five steps that a movie viewer goes through when watching The Test. I am here to guide you through them. You are welcome.

DENIAL

When you start watching The Test the feeling is akin to that of being slapped in the face with a decaying fish. You look at a scene with disbelief:

He’s not actually hired an actor to test her fidelity, has he? you ask in horror. He’s not peering through the glass of the restaurant to spy on her responses, is he?

Yes. Yes, he is.

Screen Shot 2018-02-02 at 19.32.32 — Can you see him? CLUE: he’s the one with the phone up to his face, filming the whole thing. To be reviewed later with his friends.

ANGER

This second stage is the worst, and I’d suggest getting over it as quickly as possibly. Nathan pretends he’s been fired from his job due to accusations of insider trading.

“You’re lying to her now, to see if she’ll believe you when you do tell the truth to her about not being dishonest?”

“Exactly!“

(Logic. It’s a beautiful thing.)

Yes, he does arrange for his fiancée to be fake fired from her job (If she is completely desolate will she still love him?). But you know what? To quote the movie:

It’s not crazy. It’s love.

Screen Shot 2018-02-02 at 20.16.34 — Ah, love.

For reasons only apparent to the script-writer, Julia still believes his innocence and is willing to be homeless on a Hawaiian beach with him.

BUT DON’T WORRY! He ‘gets his job back’ and it doesn’t matter about her job (which she still has, but doesn’t know she has) because “she’ll be his wife”.

Despite the fact that we’ve no evidence as to why they love each other (and therefore, no evidence for why they shouldn’t love each other) Julia is prepared to stand by him. BUT THEN TWIST. SHE HAS HER JOB BACK!!

HOOORAYYYY!!

Honestly, that Nathan! Such a catch!

BARGAINING

Okay. So he’s a bit … emotionally unintelligent and a touch dim and he is definitely narcissistic, you say. But, like, it can’t get any worse. Surely.

By this time, Nathan is enjoying the experiment. ‘Would she die for me?’ he asks with pathos that surely belong to Hamlet.

“I’d take the bullet for her.”

“That’s very chivalrous.”

“I’m just that kind of guy.”

It’s important to know if your partner would die for you. Dreadfully so. In fact, I’m almost certain that it is probably included in any number of pre-marriage counselling sessions.

Nathan knows this. But pre-marriage counselling sessions are beneath him. He is so dedicated to the cause of proving Julia is worthy of him that he arranges a home invasion.

What a guy!

Screen Shot 2018-02-02 at 20.29.05 — “Aren’t you going to *try* to take the bullet?”

It takes some nagging but Julia declares:

“Okay. I’m willing to die for you. Now will you just DROP IT!!!”

For some reason, Nathan doesn’t feel that her response is good enough, and that she wouldn’t be prepared to die for him.

DEPRESSION

The first time, I watched this movie the whole way through. The second time, I had to stop the movie. It was too hard to go on. Life had lost its meaning. I would have cheerfully stomped barefoot in a room full of Legos or – as one review puts it ‘licked a brick wall’ rather than to have continued.

But one must push through.

… which Nathan does too! He thinks that Julia’s ‘B-‘ is a bit rubbish. He won’t settle for anything less than an ‘A’. He needs one.

So he comes up with the genius plan of faking a coma.

It’s not crazy. It’s love.

Now, I did have some screenshots to share with you. But my computer decided to make them all grey and as:

I refuse to spend money on this movie for the third time
Nope. It’s just that. I. Refuse.

Please imagine Nathan on a hospital bed, faking a coma whilst his hysterical fiancée is mourning him for reasons that completely escape me at this point.

And then of course, he ‘wakes up’ (after his buddy threatens ‘I’m pulling the plug. No pun intended’ thereby ruining all puns for me forever more. You monster) and pretends to have amnesia.

Don’t worry! He ‘remembers’ Julia – just in the nick of time too! It’s a scene with emotion – similar to one from a Shakespearean play or a Nicholas Spark movie, in that all three have people saying lines.

ACCEPTANCE

At this point, you are beyond outrage. Beyond everything. This movie exists and you are watching it. Watching as Julia discovers Nathan’s ‘stress tests’ on her wedding day. Watching as she calls him out. Watching as Nathan does the adult thing and blames his friend. Watching as … as… Watching as the truly spectacularly hysterical and completely beyond any rhyme or reason ending happens.

I laughed so hard I was crying. The first time.

In the end, we have no idea why Nathan and Julia are in love. They tell us they are. The movie says they are. And, so they must be.

This movie transcends all such things as ‘acting’ ‘comedy’ ‘writing’ ‘cinematography’ ‘production’ ‘screenplay’ ‘character growth’ ‘chemistry between actors’ ‘editing’ etc. One must look past these mortal coils and peer far, far, far, far, far beyond them – to where the movie’s heart lies.

And at its heart – deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down – are the ambiguous messages of trust, fidelity, commitment and above all, love.

It’s true: the movie handles them with the skill of a dizzy toddler performing open heart surgery, the gentle subtlety of a sledgehammer, and the clarity of muddied stream brimming with dead rodents … but I think, to finish this guide to The Test, I will leave you with a quote from Nathan, that is in no way, shape, or form, an excuse for doing terrible things to the person you love: