ness talks movies

f9: a review

it’s odd that john cena isn’t on this poster when he’s supposedly in a pretty big role

Okay. Okay. Here’s a secret: I haven’t watched all of the Fast and Furious franchise. I’ve watched a handful (is there one where they jump a car from one skyscraper to the next?) and teared up to See You Again with the best of them.

(I didn’t watch the movie but that song, man!)

So in short: I’ve watched Hobbs & Shaw, I know the franchise is about (thumps chest) family and lots and lots of cars.

These are my credentials. They are extensive. Let’s proceed with the review. There’s some spoilers. I apologise.


This movie. My gosh. This movie. I sat through this movie with growing glee and increasing enjoyment.

I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. I jabbed my friend and nudged my brother. This was the good stuff. This was the best stuff. This was Shakespeare on the silver screen.

This was movie magic.

‘Your father has a question for you,’ says Lenny. Letty. The Woman Who Stares.

Vin ‘No Sleeves’ Diesel: ‘Would you like to say grace?’

The child: ‘I don’t know how.’

Vin ‘No Sleeves’ Diesel: ‘Just say what’s in your heart.’

I glanced over at my brother. He had his face buried in his hands.


This was *supposed* to have John Cena. Strangely enough, the camera often panned to where I assume John Cena should have been. It was empty. Guns moved and were fired with no one about. Vin Diesel had dialogue with mid-air, it was very confusing.

for example – why is vin diesel diving off a roof top? who is he attacking? we can’t tell. no one is there.

I’d nudge my brother, puzzled. ‘Can you see John Cena?’ I’d ask. ‘He’s supposed to be in this.’

We are great wits.


A lot was happening. In the past, we’re finding out what happened to Vin Diesel’s dad and a tragic family separation. In the present, they’re going to send a car into space to save the world from a future under the thumb of a dictator’s evil son.

Hijinks ensue.

Lenny/Letty (that’s Vin Diesel’s love interest) thrives on this sort of thing. Not for her, a barn in the countryside. No. She needs havoc. Calm in the midst of the chaos.

This is her ideal Tuesday. Forget lazy lie-ins, she needs excitement! Explosions! Magnets that can move a car! One wonders what she’ll need next? I assume the next step will be time-travel. They should bring dinosaurs into the next movie!

Where was I? Yes. The plot. There is one. But mainly, at its heart, this is a heart-warming movie about family. And staring. And explosions. And physics. And surviving unsurvivable situations. (Literally. A tank-car drops onto one of the characters. They survive. It’s amazing.)


Everyone stares very deeply into each other’s soul and it’s both incredibly uncomfortable and also wonderful and I live for it.

the movie – you’re welcome


Movies like Sharknado are my jam. There’s no pretension to it. It’s awful and yet, it’s also hilarious. This movie? My gosh, it had a far bigger budget. It has a … well, it had a script. There’s a whole discussion re: Which Star Wars Character Are You? (I’m Jar Jar Binks by the way. DAMN IT BUZZFEED!)

Anyway. I digress. This movie was wild. There were so many twists! He’s caught? NO, HE ISN’T! He’s dead? NO, HE ISN’T! He’s the villain? NO, HE ISN’T! OR IS HE??????? IS THIS MOVIE BAD GOOD OR BAD BAD OR GOOD GOOD? WE DON’T KNOW!!! (These are the questions that haunt humanity.)

There are many unsleeved men, I feel as though men are allergic to shirt sleeves. One fears for the fashion industry.

One of the final moments happened. As they generally do. Vin Diesel takes his son to the racing track where his dad died – to the very spot.

‘Everything I learned about life,’ grunts he. ‘I learned right here.’

… I’m not entirely sure why I found that humorous.

I’m going back to watch the previous instalments of this franchise. What a hoot. I’m going to stare intently at my family instead of communicating verbally. It’s going to be dope. I’m sure there will be no misunderstandings.

ness rambles, ness talks about life

narwhals are unicorns too

I have no idea what kind of post I should publish. I’ve even started to write a ‘how to write a blog post’ post for myself but was unable to finish it. Yes, my brain has reached that level of malfunction. Today, for example, I couldn’t count to eleven. I had to get someone to help me.

Image result for jack sparrow gif
this was my brain in that moment.

it’s a good idea to listen to your car

This week, my poor car suffered the indignity of being placed in a garage and poked around by mechanics. Apparently – and this is from a credible source – if your car squeals when you are pressing the breaks there is something wrong with it. Who knew, right?

Related image

alarming music

If you like a song do not under any circumstance set it as your alarm. Love will turn to loathing quicker than you can awaken, feel enormously resentful, and shut the song up before it gets into full swing.

writing is good, and yet, so is sleep

I’m in a quandary at the moment. By the time I have emptied my brain and am ready to write, it’s late and I could easily sleep. So. Do I a) write into the wee hours and end up sleep deprived at work or b) sleep and feel great wrath towards myself in the morning?

Image result for confused cat gif
what do I do?!

it’s okay to write bizarre things

I’m not participating in NaNoWriMo. I tried last year and managed to give myself good old writer’s block for most of this year. To stop starting and halting in an eternal cycle, I’m giving myself leave to just write. It doesn’t have to be brilliant. It doesn’t have to be the best thing since sliced bread. As a result, I’m finding myself writing a rather odd book.

Sometimes I forget to be evil. Sometimes I forget to give a hearty, maniacal laugh. Sometimes I even say ‘thank you’ to my henchmen. I like to live dangerously.

– from the Rather Odd Book

So far, I have some unicorn cats and a crime lord dragon. Occasionally I wish that I could write volumes of terribly beautiful, incredibly deep and definitely prize-winning fiction. Other times, I shrug my shoulders and write about things which amuse me.

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‘… and then she said she didn’t want to EGGsplain it!’

have a lovely weekend!

books, ness rambles, ness talks about life

Also: hyenas (a touch of Random-Ness)

via Flickr

I’ve decided that I want to take a mechanics course. Announcing this to the nearest and dearest didn’t bring very inspiring results.

‘But you can’t even check your oil’ – one encouraging bystander.

I can though; point me in its general direction and I’ll check it more thoroughly than it has ever been checked in its life.

Personally I think it’s a worthy idea. Yes, cars and I have an interesting relationship that is lukewarm at best and downright hatred at worst, but still … I like to know how to deal with things should they go wrong. ‘Forewarned is forearmed,’ as they say.

somanybooksAnd besides, I don’t mind driving as long as I don’t have to park.

besides these grand ambitions, life is …

Life is trotting onwards and these winter days seem to be impossibly dark – dark to work and dark home again.

It’s got to the point when I look out of the window and exclaim: ‘Look! The sun’s out!’ (Which then leads to a sympathetic correction: ‘well, it’s trying to come out.’ Poor sun, how you do try.)

words, and the reading of them

I’ve been reading, of course. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is almost finished and it’s oddly gripping – a little like 12 Angry Men, though with lamentably worse language.

The Lunar Chronicles were devoured after I’d finished Cinder – she took a little warming up to, but after that? Sleep was doomed and even the mammoth of Winter (eight hundred plus pages!) was not left unconquered.

words, and the wielding of them (and also: hyenas)

via Flickr

And what of writing? I’m dabbling in a little novel this month, but this year, I have grand plans to release my dragon slaying trilogy into the world. This is no laughing matter, I assure you (dragons! danger! the dire threat of death!)

Speaking of laughing, my own laugh – a cross between a cackling chicken and an uncontrollably amused hyena – has twice thrown me into awful incidents. I laugh – ha ha ha ha – and then there’s this horrid ‘HA!’ which is a cross between my normal laugh (unfortunate) and a high pitched ‘hic’ (tragically embarrassing).

It feels as if that last note throws itself into the room and, should I be walking at the time of It, trails after any nearby hearers like some mad ghostly echo.

It is a trial, but I try to not mind it. The ability to laugh at yourself is rather important – it means you can dance wildly (like a stiff limbed robot, in truth. But what of it?), laugh happily (for the laugh is quite unique and why should you be ashamed of it?) and all the while be blissfully unminding of the opinions of others.

Have a splendiferous week, my friends.