jean-jacques rousseau, please stop confessing!

Reader, friend, person. Let me tell you. Jean-Jacques Rousseau is a menace. And what makes it worse is the fact that he is a menace I had to study. Is there no mercy in this world?

(None. There is none.)

sheer spiteful commentary on jean-jacques

Jean-Jacques was born. And everybody has been suffering ever since. He pioneered the autobiography as a medium to talk about yourself at extensive length – which is fine, you know, however, if it wasn’t for Jean-Jacques Rousseau would we really have gotten Spare? Honestly? I don’t think so.

His young adulthood largely consisted of: delusions of grandeur, falling on his feet, just when everything was going well for him he would a) get attached to someone else or b) yeet or c) both.

He fell into converting to Catholicism, left several promising careers, AND YET FOUND MORE CAREERS!

Jean-Jacques Rousseau would have thrived in the internet world, let me tell you. He’d have loved Tumblr. But the pretentious side. 100%. He’d have probably been a fanfic writer and really exuded homeschooler energy. I said what I said.

This is a hate post, if you were confused. I can’t stand Jean-Jacques. I hate that he made me read about his humiliation kink which I did not consent to. I loathe that he flashed people and somehow got away with it! With a terrible cover story! THAT NO ONE BELIEVED!

Everything I know about his sexual proclivities I know against my will. There are some things, Jean-Jacques, that I simply don’t wish to know. Your life, for example.

Oh, I also don’t like that he gave away five of his children.

further jean-jacques slander

YES THAT’S RIGHT HE GAVE AWAY FIVE OF HIS CHILDREN. Voltaire wrote a pamphlet about it, spilling the piping hot tea, Jean-Jacques then tried to defend his actions (poorly, very poorly) in Confessions saying ‘yeah I did that *incomprehensible garbage excuse*. Puh-lease.

One of the stories that I enjoyed – nay, I relished – was that when he’d written some of his Confessions (shudder) he read them aloud. To an audience. They did not go down well. He got *crickets*.

Reader, no one clapped.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

If I was in the audience, I’d have looked him in the eye and said hmm this seems derivative. Reader, it would have slain him.

this is why calvinism should be banned, conceptionally

Jean-Jacques was born in Geneva, yes that’s right – John Calvin’s Geneva. And this next theory of mine is based on zero (0) facts and -1 logic, but you can pry it from my cold dead hands. Yes, the man converted to Catholicism, but I believe that somehow in someway Confessions is an echo of his young belief system – he wants to confess to perhaps clear his conscience? It’s connected, I’m telling you.

John Calvin, you have so much to answer for. Number one: how dare you?

One of his friends and then turned ‘enemies’ said – to paraphrase – that this dude has done nothing except to feel deeply.

I know, Hume, I know.

This man held himself up as a mirror to the rest of humanity. I’m not finding the quote. You can’t make me open the book again. He held himself to be the most unique person to ever unique person ever. He attempted to paint a self-portrait. Did he always say he did well? No, he was honest (OR WAS HE?). I wish he wasn’t. But did he take accountability?

Reader. Look me full in the face when I say to you this man never met an accountability he couldn’t dodge.

an absolute paranoid menace

Jean-Jacques was convinced the world was out to get him. I wish it was, and that it had succeeded. That’s all I have to say about that.

Jean-Jacques needed therapy though his therapist would probably quit their profession shortly afterwards. Jean-Jacques needed to take a walk or to pick up botany. (He liked both. He should have stuck to them.)